Embracing the Perfect One

I am Alyssa Powell and I am married to my high school sweetheart, Shane (whom I chased from the fourth grade on). We have two amazing and fun children, Ethan (6) and Emily (4). Shane and I have lived in Crawfordsville our entire lives with the exception of four years when we both attended Hanover College. We followed Dave and Angie to Calvary Chapel and are honored to say we've been here for nearly 20 years.

I am fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom and I have the opportunity to home-school Ethan. I love Beth Moore bible studies and being a part of my Thursday Women's Bible Study. When I have time, I enjoy scrapbooking, reading fiction and a watching a good chick-flick. I LOVE football and I am a HUGE Colts fan. Sadly, I am addicted to diet coke and am radio's "1070 the Fan". I might also be addicted to Swedish Fish and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups . . .

If you watch any television at all, you're bound to see a commercial for depression. Whenever I see one of those commercials my heart stops because I feel like they're describing me.

You see, I battle depression.

It's not something I have shared with very many people because I have been afraid of what others would think. Actually, it wasn't until this past year that I could even admit it to myself. As a Christian, I have felt ashamed that I couldn't study, pray or fast myself out of feeling depressed. After all, if I was a strong enough Christian I wouldn't feel the way I do, right?

Just over a year ago my husband confronted me in the most loving way possible. He revealed to me that my masquerading wasn't fooling anyone. My family was suffering - my husband felt unloved and undesired, my children felt like I would rather be anywhere than at home taking care of them. A couple of my dearest friends suggested that I might be depressed and encouraged me to seek help. They saw me striving and working, praying and fasting, hoping somehow to work my way out of the rut I was in. Unfortunately no matter what I did, I was stuck.

To make a long story short, about a year ago I found myself in the office of a Christian counselor. Afraid and ashamed, I answered a series of general questions and then we began to "talk". After a few minutes she stood up and reached for a book from her bookshelf. She handed it to me and asked me to read it before my next session. I read the book and at the end of the book there was a quiz. I took the quiz and it revealed I had obsessive compulsive tendencies. During my next few sessions we talked a lot about these tendencies and how they were affecting my life.

For me, the obsessive compulsive tendencies were a means to being the perfect person, perfect mother, perfect wife and perfect Christian. I would obsess over every (and I do mean every) part of my life striving to be perfect. At night I would lay awake replaying conversations I had with friends, worried that I said the wrong thing, afraid that they might have misinterpreted what I meant, ashamed that I had somehow misrepresented our Lord. My thought life was like a hurricane - out of control, wild and unpredictable. As a result, my life was a constant disappointment and I felt like I never measured up. No wonder I was depressed.

During one particular counseling session I was going on and on about some situation and obsessing over how I handled it and complaining about what a failure I was. I remember saying "I should have" probably a dozen times. The counselor gently asked me, "Who's telling you that - because it certainly isn't the Lord". I quickly and arrogantly retorted "I am"!

And therein was the problem - me. I had an unrealistic, unbiblical and unhealthy expectation for my life. I wanted to be perfect and my pride had convinced me that if I tried hard enough, I could be.

C.S. Lewis says that "Pride is a spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment or even common sense." My pride kept me from getting the help I desperately needed and kept me from enjoying rich, abundant life in Christ. Praise God for a loving husband and amazing friends who loved me too much to watch me destroy myself and everything I hold dearly! This past year has been a journey of loosening the grips of perfectionism in order to embrace the Perfect One.

It sounds silly to say, but my counselor reminded me that there was only One perfect person - Jesus. His goal is not for me to be perfect. Every time I put my desire to be perfect above His desire for my life, I put myself on the throne that belongs to Christ alone. In my counseling sessions, we began to study and pour over scriptures that were already familiar to me but took on new significance. Scriptures like Romans 12:2 " . . . be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." I had to choose to replace what I thought about myself with what God's word says about me, to replace my ideas about pleasing Him with what He says pleases Him. I had to confront the truth that my righteousness was as filthy rags and no matter how hard I try, I can never earn His love or approval. He loves me for no other reason than that I am His.

Sweet friends, I want to leave you with an excerpt written by Sarah Young from Jesus Calling:

"I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the joy of being loved constantly and unconditionally. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. If you like what you see in the mirror, you feel a bit more worthy of My Love. When things are going smoothly and your performance seems adequate, you find it easier to believe you are My beloved child. When you feel down, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong. Instead of trying to fix yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the Lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My righteousness, radiant in My perfect love."

In Christ's Perfect Love,
Alyssa

(Though I don't like to make a habit of publicly commenting about what is contributed here, I do want to share that depression really does hurt. It is wounding and can devastate even the Christian life. If you struggle with depression or need to connect with someone who cares, please contact me, Alyssa, Angie Keesee or another strong woman in the Lord. There is no reason to suffer in silence. God really, truly can break the bonds of depression and set you free! As Alyssa mentioned above, there are resources available in our own community--word-based, Christian help. And we want to pray for you, too. ~Jen)