Twice divorced….such a shameful phrase. I hate it, I really do. It was devastating the first time. The second divorce came after my salvation. Equally devastating, it had the added element of letting God down…of willfully sinning…of being a failure, not once, but twice. My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart and six years later, we divorced. My second marriage came later and I believed it would last forever.
This marriage was difficult at best. Bailey came along quickly after we married and I used to say that it was a good thing she did, otherwise I would have left him immediately. We both brought baggage to the marriage that hampered our relationship. Our personalities clashed frequently and we fought over our roles in the marriage. My 50/50 marriage didn’t exist and I didn’t hesitate to complain about it. For five years, we struggled. We were ready to call it quits when I started attending Calvary and was saved. After my salvation we decided not to divorce. Then along came my Bible studies and the infamous, Excellent Wife study. This study opened my eyes to my role as a godly wife and I realized how far short I fell from being a godly wife and fulfilling my role in our household.
After this study, the marriage became tolerable. I knew I couldn’t change my husband, but I could change my behavior and my reactions. It was a step of faith because I had no promise that he would change. I had to trust God and lean on His promises. As I shared in my previous entry, after 9/11 I made a major life change and quit my job. This brought about many changes in my marriage, mostly good. I was able to be an attentive wife and for the first time, I really felt that I was being the godly wife that I was created to be for my husband. We still struggled and some of my prayers were answered when Mark started to come to church with me. For the first time, I truly believed that my marriage was going to improve. I knew if Mark started walking with the Lord, we would strengthen our marriage together. I was hopeful and this was a wonderful feeling after so many years of discord.
Unfortunately, as we all know, Satan hates us and he knew my marriage was changing for the better. The attacks began and soon Mark was no longer attending church. All that we had gained became lost again. Life was challenging at best and we were on a slippery slope since some things had happened at Mark’s job to cause him great anguish. He became an angry man at the injustices that were happening to him. This anger was hidden to the public but very visible at home. Our marriage had become volatile again and I was helpless to change anything and he certainly didn’t want to hear about God’s plan for his life. I tried to follow my teachings from the Excellent Wife and I turned to God’s Word for help. While a part of me wanted to escape, I knew I was to stay with him. Everyone that I counseled with said I would know if I was to leave…God would give me a sign. No signs came. I just kept stepping in faith. Eventually, his anger exploded when he was let go at his job. If you knew Mark, you knew how much he valued his career and you can imagine his despair. His career was his identity and his number one priority in life. He became more lost than ever before.
Life became unbearable, yet God still said to stay. Eventually Mark was offered a job out of state and this became the breaking point for me. Mark was very distant by this time and our marriage was in name only, as it had been for years. I knew I couldn’t leave so I sought godly advice again. I believed that this out of state journey was not part of God’s plan for my life. Mark left us for the new job. He worked for three months and was let go at this job as well. As awful as this time was for us, I must say that God was amazing. He strengthened me throughout my marriage and at this time, I was clinging to Him for dear life. I saw God’s work in our lives and I saw continual evidence of God trying to draw Mark to Him. It was beautiful to watch, yet incredibly sad as Mark continued walking away from Him. Eventually, God led me to confront Mark to seek outside help for our marriage. Before I could get my words out, he asked for a divorce. As he walked out the door that night, I felt God’s peace unlike any time before in my life. I had kept 1 Corinthians 7:10-16 close to my heart during the difficult days and when he left I believed I had followed God’s will and now verse 15 had come to pass. (1 Cor 7:15 says “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.”)
The next season of my life was difficult but not nearly as difficult as living in a bad marriage. God’s presence was felt and He continually blessed me throughout this season. The peace in our home was a breath of fresh air and God met our needs constantly. Life was filled with lessons of God’s provision. The most important thing for me was knowing that I honored God’s Will. While the outcome was not what I had been praying for, at least I had the peace of knowing that I honored Him.
So now we fast forward to life today. I so appreciated Claudia’s blog entry about singleness. Singleness is hard in today’s society. For me, it’s especially difficult. After living in a difficult marriage that lacked intimacy for many years, I long to be loved, appreciated, and cherished. This is my Achilles heel and I need God’s strength to live the life that He wants me to live. In the secular world, all things go. Sex is for the taking and there is no condemnation. I don’t have to commit, to be honest, I don’t even have to know him…I can live by the Nike slogan, ‘Just do it.’ Yet, the Bible tells us no. This seems fine to me for teenagers, and as a matter of fact, it is what I tell my daughter. However, I am a middle aged adult for crying out loud! How on earth can God expect ME to wait until marriage? Yet, the Bible is clear. So now I face dating in a world where anything goes, yet I am supposed to say no. If I truly believe that I am Jesus’ bride, waiting should not be an issue. Hence my reason for not being able to offer a cardboard testimony. In a moment of selfishness, I didn’t say no and in an instant, I became the worst of sinners and I let down my faithful God. After all He has done for me, I fell headlong into sin. After all of my steps in faith and blessings for that faith, I didn’t believe God and His Word that says He is all I need.
God is good and all He required from me for this sin was repentance. He has forgiven me, but it is much harder for me to forgive myself. While I know my sins are cast as far as the east is to the west, I know my weakness. I pray continually for His strength because I need Him. Without His Strength, I will sin again and I do not want to disappoint my God. I desire to be His spotless bride and believe that I am who God says I am. Now I must step out in faith again, deny myself, pick up my cross and follow Jesus. I don’t know what this journey will look like in the dating world, but I trust my God and know that He will guide my path. I pray that I walk worthy of my Lord. It is my prayer that next year, I can not only carry my cardboard testimony but I can believe it. I cling to His promises because I know I cannot complete this journey without Him.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
p.s. I do want to be clear that I bear no dishonor or malice toward Mark. He is Bailey’s father and it is my prayer that he finds his way to Jesus. I ask that you pray for him as well.
